Thursday, December 19, 2013

Christmas is a Catastrophe

After weeks of being exposed to positive thoughts and uplifting reading, I have come to the conclusion that happiness is overdone. This is particularly true this time of year. It is time to take a serious look at the holiday season. Trust me on this. You people need to get a grip before you go overboard and turn your kids into a bunch of sniveling liberals who want everyone to be happy.

That's right. You, in the red suit, I don't know what you're smoking in that pipe but breaking into people's houses, eating their cookies, and drinking all the milk is criminal. For that matter who told you to trash the place with all those toys and goodies. I could have broken a toe if I hadn't checked my stockings before sticking my feet in them. And another thing, giving all this stuff away is UnAmerican. Do you want to wreck our whole economy?

I am not a grouch. I just call it as I see it. This Christmas thing is a communist plot to spread happiness and good cheer all over the world. It has got to stop.

Now don't start telling me about Scrooge or how I need to get into the spirit of the season. Scrooge was just a hard working business man, and example of thrift and other conservative principals. It isn't his problem that Tiny Tim didn't have health insurance. His parents should have worked two jobs apiece and put him in an institution. That's the American way.

Do you think the folks in Congress should all be visited by a bunch of ghosts?

You do?

Well, I think you've been in the spirits a little too much. How much brandy was in that fruitcake? If you don't stop, you may be the ghost of Christmas past.

Who said anything about drinking and driving? I was going to knock you in the head with this rolling pin, the one my dad carved from a fence post. That will teach you to stay out of my kitchen, and out of my bourbon balls.

Really, Christmas is a catastrophe waiting to happen. All this joy and happiness is just a distraction from the real reason for the season. Shopping! Block the streets. Plug all the exits. Don't let anyone escape the mall until the credit cards are maxed out.

Most of all people, you need to teach your children that life is hard, cruel, and unfair.Why not make this whole season a teaching occasion? Rip the joy out of those chubby cheeks.  Teach them that the candy and Christmas cookies make them fat while you bake the next batch. Structure their time so they don't waste it with daydreams. Do you want them to have visions of sugar plums? Of course not.

So, if you must give toys, make sure they are educational. You owe it to your children to make them miserable. They've got to learn about the real world sometime.  Fill the season with stress, expense, pressure, and excess. Fill their heads with greed and guilt, and tell them that this is happiness.

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